Three months have now passed since I lost my wife Sarah to cancer. I remember recalling how things were going for us as a family one month after she passed, and can’t believe another two months have already passed since.
I have found blogging about what we have been going through since that day very therapeutic personally, and will continue to do so, not just for me but as something for my kids to look back on when they’re older. My hope is they’ll take some comfort in seeing how loved and missed their Mummy is, not just by me but by everybody she knew.
So, what’s changed during the last two months? Emotionally, not a whole lot to be honest. They say time is a healer but it’s still very early days so none of us are feeling that as yet, everything is still very raw and fresh in the memory, especially her last moments.
I have had a couple of down in the dumps patches in particular, when I’ve pretty much failed to perform as a Dad should, but I’ve lost my wife. These things were always going to come. I feel I’ve remained as strong and brave as I possibly can for the sake of my children which can only be a good thing.
My three boys are okay. Connor and Lucas have occasional teary moments at bedtimes but I’d say it only happens about once every couple of weeks. I think their young age has meant they’ve escaped the brunt of things in terms of emotion. They don’t fully understand what’s happened, what it means. The girls however are a different story.
Lacey often comes to me to talk about her Mum, asking questions and being openly emotional about how sad she’s feeling. I’m pleased she is so open as the last thing I want is for my kids to bottle things up and let it eat at them from the inside. Sadly though that’s the way Rhianna has gone so far, she has become very enclosed and introvert and has barely mentioned her Mum at all since passing. I realise grief affects everyone differently so, I’ve started the girls on some counselling sessions again which will hopefully help Rhianna to let her feelings show a bit more – they had their first session back just yesterday.
Later today myself and the girls are meeting at a nearby cemetery with Sarah’s parents, to hopefully choose a plot to have a headstone erected for her. It’s something the kids have always asked about and something they have hoped she’ll be getting. Hopefully having a place they can visit and lay flowers, or just to sit and think, whenever they like will bring them some comfort.
There will be no new video from me today, which is why this post has gone up early in the day. I just want to be with my kids today and do nothing. Instead I’ll leave you with this montage I created when Sarah was still with us.
As always, thank you all for the love and support you’ve shown us during these incredibly difficult times. Please do remember to check yourselves for signs and symptoms of cancer, and see you doctor is you find anything suspicious! Do it for Sarah.