I woke up today feeling rough, down in the dumps, guilty and ashamed of myself after things got the better of me last night and I lost my cool with the girls at their bedtime for silly little reasons.

But not only was it a school day, but also pancake day, so I had to slap on yet another false smile and be as positive as I possibly could to make sure my children had an enjoyable start to the day. I couldn’t decide whether to do them pancakes at breakfast or tea time – fast forward to the end of the day, they had them at both!

Obviously Connor had to be excluded given the severity of his egg allergy, and I opted not to attempt cooking my own as I wasn’t keen on A, the risk and B, the hassle. He knows full well what he is and isn’t allowed and is amazingly accepting of it, so he was more than happy with his crumpets at breakfast, bless him.

I may have went a little overboard with the toppings but the kids made use of everything at their disposal and left the table with smiling faces – so, mission accomplished.

Before school I had a little private chat with Rhianna, as she took the brunt of my low mood last night. Granted she was giving me attitude but I felt incredibly guilty. The combination of grief and depression got the better of me and it felt like I was too hard on her. She was fairly clingy all of a sudden which is unusual for her, which to me suggested that she really took it hard, which only made me feel worse. After our chat and cuddles she was okay.

After the school run I couldn’t face heading back home. I get times where I feel so isolated stuck indoors, even though I’m never alone. I feel I have to force myself to stay outside and usually end up walking around town with Logan, or heading to a park or the seafront if only to be outside and among other people. Depression by nature makes you want to seclude yourself, avoid social situations, hide away, and staying outside in any way I can after the school run is my attempt at battling it. Although I’m not out with other people, other people are around and as uncomfortable as it makes me feel, I feel it’s for the best. If that makes any sense at all.

On this occasion Logan and I ended up on the beach. It was windy and cold so Logan wasn’t too impressed, so before long we headed back towards town. He was crying because his little hands were so cold so we nipped into the Wetherspoons and I got him some pancakes of his own. Amazingly he ate them all, little fatty.

The rest of the day seemed to drag. My mood and spirits were still dragging on the floor, all I could think about was making it to bedtime. I just wanted to be asleep again to escape my own head – but that had to wait. I had an appointment to take Rhianna to after school – a check up on her Perthes Disease. That came and went, more pancakes followed at tea time and eventually the kids bed times began to arrive, at last.

Everybody knows I worship my children. This was just a massive off day for me, but to end on a positive note it came to an end with smiling children. I guess I must be doing something right. Thank god I have them to fight for.

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Author: Stuart Wright

I'm a 34 year old widowed father of five young children, and these are my experiences of 'Being Daddy'.

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