As the title suggests, the past week has been the toughest by far since Sarah passed away. Not just for me, but for the kids too.
My depression, combined with the grief has well and truly had the better of me for the past seven days. That’s not to say that it’s been easy at any point, of course it hasn’t, but until this week I’d managed to ‘stay strong’ and put a brave face on for the sake of my children, but I definitely cracked this week.
I knew times like this would come, it’s inevitable, I just wish my kids didn’t have to see me crumble the way they have done because I am all they have to look up to right now. They’re seeing me, the so called grown up, the one caring for them, crying like a baby. I feel bad – not for crying, but for them having to witness it. I hope they don’t feel any less secure and safe because of it.
The kids have all suffered somewhat during the last week too, apart from Logan who is too young to know what’s going on. Connor had a rare emotional morning at Nursery. Lucas has cried on three occasions saying he misses Mummy. The girls have suffered the most though, needing a lot of reassurance, cuddles and time with me especially at night – they’ve even ended up sleeping down with me on three occasions this week because they didn’t want to be on their own upstairs. They’re sleeping beside me right now as I type this.
Seeing my kids suffer only makes things even harder still for me. I wish I could snap my fingers and take all their pain away. I know they adore me too but I if anyone had to be taken by cancer, I wish it was me, because I’d feel so much better about their chances in life with Sarah guiding them.
I appreciate all the supportive comments and messages I’ve received. I’m forever seeing people tell me what a brilliant Daddy I am, but depression leaves such compliments falling on death ears. I’m not mentally able to take them as they’re intended, and have considered myself a failure as a Daddy since April 24th 2006 when Sarah and I lost our first child, Ryleigh.
I’m beginning to balance out again. The tablets are taking over, the mind-numbing feeling is coming back and I can hopefully paste a fake smile on once again for the benefit of my children as we continue to face this completely unfair challenge of life without Sarah.